If You Don’t Believe in You, Who Will?

February 20, 2013

I had a bad day today. I let stress get the best of me. I have been burning the candle at both ends lately, and today it all pretty much came to a head. I’m proud to say I didn’t break down into tears nor did I eat myself into oblivion. But I did end up wasting time, and that’s almost just as bad. Time is the one resource we cannot replenish, so the time I wasted I’ll never get back.

I am all over the place. Y’all have no clue what I’m talking about. Why? Because my mind is a jumbled fucking mess. This is how I’ve been operating. As we speak, I am trying to burn a CD for my Zumba® class. I was streaming my music through my laptop, and everything was gravy, or so I thought. Then two weeks ago, this chick that works in the gym told me that I should turn the music up and the class would be more energetic. Well, the music was up as high as it would go given the speakers I’d bought on my budget. So she suggested I burn my music to a CD and use their CD player. I was hesitant to do this because I felt like it would be a waste. Why? Because my Zumba® playlist is ever changing. That means I will be burning hella CDs and not know what is on which CD. It’s going to get ridiculous. So last week, I go in with my laptop again. And what happens? Microsoft fuckin’ happens. Shut down my fuckin’ laptop IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CLASS!!!!! I was horrified. I mean, literally, horrified. I cannot STAND to look incompetent in any way. And this made me look like Boo Boo the Fool as far as I was concerned. I tried to keep the class moving so their heart rates wouldn’t drop, but of course it took longer than I thought would for my computer to come back up. To make things worse, little Miss Susie comes over while I’m talking to the class, interrupts me to ask if I needed a CD. I was already annoyed, but here is where I began to get pissed off. Zumba® is not something you can just do off of any music. First off, our routines are CHOREOGRAPHED! So I can’t just put in any song and keep the class going. All choreography does not go with all songs. So after I tell her no and turn back to the class, you’d think she’d go away. NO! This chick KEPT talking. Advising me AGAIN on burning a CD. Which, OK, I see the value in that now. But to do all of this IN FRONT OF THE CLASS??? Pissed. Me. Off. She meant well, she really did, but she still pissed me off. The old me would have cut her off and whispered some not so nice things in her ear and ushered her the fuck outta my presence. The new me doesn’t do that. The new me smiles and nods. The new me pisses the old me off, but I digress. The point is, I’m currently trying to take the fucking constructive criticism and burn a fucking CD but MY LAPTOP WON’T BURN THE FUCKING CD!!!!!!! I swear, this has been one hell of a fucking day. I am SO glad I didn’t go by cookies, cake, or ice cream, cuz I’d be fuckin’ it up right now! I have no idea why my laptop is so fuckin’ temperamental lately. Sometimes it will burn a CD, no friggin’ problem then other times, like NOW WHEN I FUCKING NEED IT, it won’t burn shit. 2% completed and just stuck there. To say I’m annoyed is an understatement of the greatest proportions. Now it’s telling me to insert a blank CD. But the CD was blank when I put it in there because it told me how much space would be left after I burned the songs I wanted to burn. This bullshit right here. My head hurts. I wish I could have a drink. But I want to see my abs. So here I sit. Fuckin’ frustrated. I was already annoyed when I sat down. But what the fuck else could I expect? When it rains it fucking pours.

Cue Mary J. Blige because I swear, this is my life. I’m about to put another CD in the laptop to try the burn again. But something tells me to go put it in the CD player to make sure it didn’t already burn. Into the living room I go and lo and behold? Burned just fuckin’ fine. What else can I do but shake my head and move the fuck on?

I am all off topic right now. I’m supposed to be writing about my self doubt. Here’s how it all started. I was at the library working on my exam. See, I’ve answered almost all of the questions, but now I need to complete two case studies and six essays. I’m almost done with both case studies, I just need to finish up the nutrition portion and a 12-week workout schedule for each person. I say that like it’s nothing. That’s a fucking lot, but compared to the rest of the shit I need to do? It’s really not much. I’m trying to finish these case studies, but then I get sidetracked on the other stuff I need to do. These essays are always in the back of my mind, so I’m researching online to find stuff to help me with those. And ultimately, this is going to help me in the long run even after I’ve gotten my certification, so this part was no time wasted. It’s just that I’m all over the place with this exam and I’m not used to working this way. I’m used to focusing on one thing until it’s done then moving on to the next thing. But this shit here? I’m all over the place. I end up in a body building forum where they are debating which organization’s certification is the best. And here is where the time wasting and self doubt begins.

I do NOTHING without thinking about it and researching it first. So when I chose the International Sports Sciences Association (ISSA), it was with confidence. I did not randomly pick a certification and I did not choose blindly. But you would have thought I did the way I reacted to what I read in this forum. Some people had the worst things to say about my future certification and some people had the best things to say. It was pretty much equal. Well, that’s not really true. The good outweighed the bad, but you know when self doubt enters the picture your perspective ends up skewed. Basically people were saying the certification was bogus/easy/junk because the final exam was online, no time limit, open book, and not proctored. But this shit is NO JOKE. They were saying because of this, you could potentially ask someone to take the test for you and the ISSA would not be the wiser. This much is actually true, but I never even thought about this. First off, if you did that, what good would it do you? You STILL have to do the work when it comes to training your clients. And if you don’t get results, ultimately you’ll fail because you won’t keep the clients you have and you’ll never get any new clients with the bad reputation you’d build for yourself. Secondly, who would do that for you? Someone said they knew a young guy who did this who was a terrible trainer. My question is this: what does that say for the person who had a different certification yet took the test for him? I would NEVER do that (nerds are not cheaters, it goes against what we believe in). It’s wholly unethical and as far as I’m concerned, how can you bad talk my certification when you have folks with your certification taking tests for other people? What part of the game is that? Nevertheless, after I read all the comments (and people were getting heated), I started surfing other body building and fitness sites to see what they had to say. This is when all the good started to come out. All the things I’d read when I researched in the first place were on these other boards. After an hour and twenty minutes, you’d think I would have walked away with my head held high that I’d chosen well.

Nope. I walked away thinking I’d chosen well, but all these other people are bubbleheads, some of whom are working in gyms who won’t hire trainers with my certification or will pay ISSA certified trainers less than others. I also felt like I was going to be the only person in this profession who doesn’t have a fitness background. It made me once again start to second guess what made me think I could do something like this in the first place. Ultimately, I left the library feeling discouraged and defeated. Now, it is true that I want another certification, but not because I don’t think mine is good enough. I want another certification because I thought it would make me more well rounded and I wanted to see if other certifying bodies had different materials or taught different concepts. I want to make sure I am as knowledgeable about my craft as possible. But my heart lies with the ISSA. It will always be my first certification and I am as protective of it as I am of my first born. Ok, so maybe that’s a hyperbole, but you get my point. I don’t appreciate people talkin’ shit about my certification. Especially when this exam is kicking my ass! Open book, untimed, or not, this shit is NOT easy.

I left the library today feeling totally and completely unproductive. Sure, I got some good research done, but I didn’t get a lot of writing done on my case studies and my essays. So I still have two case studies to finish and six essays to write. And about 20 multiple choice questions that still need answering regarding exercises, muscles, where they attach to the bones in the body, and why this is practical to know (which is something I wondered my damn self, now I have to prove some shit I’m not even sure of). So this is just what I have to do to finish this exam. This does not even take into account the new songs I need to choreograph for Zumba. And don’t get me started on the many Mommy tasks that have gone undone. There are forms that need to be filled out and turned in to the school that I keep forgetting to do. There is a form that needs to be filled out and turned in to the day care and I keep forgetting to do that, too. I bought paper plates and bowls because I knew I didn’t have time to do dishes. There are still dirty dishes in the sink. At least that means I’ve been cooking more lately. There is so much that needs to be done, but I’m always tired because I get little to no sleep. I’m either up late studying, up late because I can’t still my mind, or I’m up because Reuben is up. We are working on getting his four-year old ass to stay in his own bed all night, and it is more than a notion. He wakes up every two to three hours, comes into my room, I send him back into his room where he proceeds to cry for 5 to 30 minutes and then it starts all over two hours later. Once I’m awake, though, I can’t get back to sleep. So I’m exhausted all the time. I stopped drinking coffee, so I don’t have my regular energy boost during the day. I drink V8 Fusion Energy drinks here and there and I will have the occasional decaf coffee or even caffeinated tea. But nothing compares to coffee. Nothing. Exercise both energizes and exhausts me. If I wasn’t getting awakened every other hour, I’d sleep like a baby because I work out so often. And if If was a fifth, we’d all be drunk, right? Right. 

So today I feel like I totally suck at life. Nothing is going my way, yet I continue to plod through my day hoping that just one thing will turn out right. And as I get ready to go to sleep, I realize one thing did turn out right. At the very end of the day, Reuben has zero idea that my life (which ultimately is OUR life) is in absolute turmoil. He is still his regular happy and disobedient self. He still loves Mommy and could care less that she feels like a supreme fuck up. He thinks she’s the best. And at the end of the day, THAT is what I carry away with me. Because the truth is, that’s my whole purpose here, to be a mom. I’m just trying to be a better mom. Trying to create a better life and better future for us both. And in the process, I’m falling apart. Normally, I’m Ford tough, like a rock. Today? I wish I had my mommy to rock me while I cried in her lap. I’m tired and fucking over it all, I really am. But tomorrow, I’ll wake up and do the same thing all over again. Day after day, again and again, until I am successful. Regardless of my self doubts, I will press on. I mean, really, what other choice do I have? If I don’t believe in me, who will?

Cue Destiny’s Child: I’m a survivor…