So I was up 0.4lb yesterday. I’m not upset about it at all. I had a small binge Tuesday night. I knew it was the night before weigh-in and not a good idea, but I could not stop eating. I woke up to a box of Cheez-Its in my bed. Sad, sad state of reality. Not only did I eat all of my weekly allowance points, I ate into my activity points. I earned 61 activity points and ended the week with 45. It’s actually not too bad. When I got on the Wii this morning, it had me down a pound from last week’s weigh-in. So I’m not too worried about it. It’s less than half a pound. My weight is 195.4 and I’m still overweight and not obese. I’ll take it.

What I’m most disappointed about is my lack of self control on Tuesday night. I just couldn’t pull it together. It sucks to know that you are doing something detrimental and not be able to stop it. I am trying to figure out what triggered it. I’m stressed financially. I’m stressed with being a single mom. I’m stressed behind potty training (but that really just happened yesterday, we’ve been doing well with that, until yesterday). My apartment is an absolute mess because I just don’t have the energy to run in behind my son, cook and clean the kitchen almost constantly, and then stay on top of everything else. I’ve been doing laundry a little here and a little there, but it’s not enough. My son’s room is a disaster, and no matter what I do or how many times I straighten it up, it’s like a tornado ran thru it. I am just very annoyed right now. I’m short-tempered with my son and that’s not fair to him. He can’t help it; he’s only two. I should not be short-tempered with him, but I am. And it makes me feel bad and feel like I’m a bad mom. To top it all off, I moved my mattress and there is mold growing on my wall. I am allergic to mold. I’m not even sure how to get that off, but I’m hoping soap and water will do. I just feel like it’s one thing after another after another. And nothing is a huge deal, it’s all little shit. And all the little shit is building up and annoying the shit outta me. The most annoying thing of all is to have people tell you how to feel. Really? I shouldn’t get annoyed with my son? Why? Because I’m not human? I need to work on controlling my reactions, but I can’t control how I FEEL. If that was the case, everybody would be happy all the time. Who would choose otherwise. It’s fuckin’ aggravating. And it all makes me wanna eat. That’s all I wanna do right now is eat every fuckin’ thing in my kitchen. So it’s after noon and I’ve consumed nothing. Not any food and not any beverage. I just realized that I’m not even hungry. I just want to be by myself, for just a little while. I need peace and quiet and I need to be able to enjoy it alone. I am just so fuckin’ annoyed. I love my son and I’m glad he’s a part of my life, but there is a small part of me that misses being single with no kids. Being able to come and go as I please without having to worry about what time it is (am I interrupting naptime or bathtime or bedtime) or putting a kid in and out of the carseat. I miss my money being all my own. But most of all, I miss my solitude. I just want a little time to myself, and that just doesn’t exist when you have a baby, especially not when you are a single mom. I’m just fuckin’ overwhelmed. I’m ready to go back to work. I don’t want to do this anymore.

It is what it is, and I’ll continue to deal just like I have been. I just need to make sure I do it without eating my ass back on. I don’t have any concrete goals this week. I just want to make sure I don’t overeat. I want the scale to start going back down again.