I am in a generally bad mood. I’ve never wanted solitude so badly and not been able to have it. I’m so frustrated and annoyed all I want to do is eat. I avoided the grocery store trip today because of this. Who knows what I’d buy or stop to get on the way there or back. *sigh* It’s so sad to know that if I left my house, I’d eat enough to not only jack up my weigh in tomorrow, but also to completely throw me off plan. It is the first time in my life that I have recognized that I WANT to binge. Let me give you an idea of what I’d buy at the store to eat tonight.

100 Calorie Snack packs of Lorna Doones. I’d eat 3 or 4 or those. I’d buy a pint of chocolate frozen yogurt & eat some with the Lorna Doones. I’d also buy a box of Nabisco Ginger snaps and a pint of butter pecan ice cream to enjoy with them. Sweet is taken care of, now for the salt. I’d likely get two bags of baked Cheetos, some cashews, some blue corn tortilla chips, and some salsa con queso. I’d make sure to get everything else on my list to make myself feel good about these indulgences. I would have spent so much time in the store that either I, Reuben, or both of us would be super hungry when we got done, meaning we’d have to stop to get something to eat. On my budget right now, that would be a dollar menu at a drive-thru. So I’d get home after eating a Happy Meal and then begin to graze on everything above. You already see half the Lorna Doones would be gone, and I’d likely eat half of everything else if I stayed up late enough. See, that’s another thing. The only time I get to myself is after my son goes to sleep. So then I either can’t sleep for whatever reason, or I end up staying up trying to get my MommyTime in. During which time I am inhaling food while telling myself to stop eating it. So I ditched the grocery store to avoid the temptation of buying any of this.

Welp, damn all that. NOT TONIGHT! I’m not binging tonight, I’m just not. I haven’t exercised yet because I honestly haven’t had it in me. I’ve done absolutely nothing today except for clean the kitchen and entertain my kid. And go to the library. Other than that? Nothing. I want the scale to move down tomorrow and I haven’t the energy to do anything about it. I even tried my mantra, Live or Die, but all I want to do today is LIVE peacefully, in a quiet space, by myself.

How can you need a vacation when you don’t even have a job? I don’t know, but I’m tellin’ you, I need one. Like, yesterday. *sigh* Calgon, take me away . . .

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