I know that I have a food addiction. And I know, like any other addiction, it is one I will battle for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I don’t have a food addiction and I just have no self control. Then there are nights like last night that remind me that yes, Monique, you do have a problem. I’m not in denial. But I am annoyed with myself for being so weak. I mean, it seems like it should be so easy, just stop eating. That sounds simple. But I know that if it were that simple neither I nor 2/3 of America would be obese. But I wish it were that simple. Let me tell you about last night.

I go out to Ruby Tuesdays to meet one of my girlfriends for dinner. Before I go, I look up their nutrition information so that I can choose what I’m going to eat and track it before I go. No problem. Once I’ve done that, I know that I’ll have 4PP left over. I decide before getting to the restaurant that I’m going to use that on a glass of wine. Again, no problem. We get there, I order, I eat. The food was soooooo good!! I really wanted some bread, but I decided at home that I wasn’t having any bread. Then my friend asks for bread. When it comes, it looks like Cheddar Bay Biscuits from Red Lobster, but only like half the size! Mini CBB! So I decide to splurge and have one. And then I have another. I mean, seriously, they were delicious. Better than RL if you ask me. And then I order another glass of wine. And halfway through that glass I realize that I’m full. So I give the other half to my friend. So I know that I need to track 7.5oz of White Zinfandel and 2 pieces of flaky, buttery goodness. I left that table feeling great, fat-girl full, and happy. Even burned a calorie or two chasing my son around the restaurant. My friend’s daughter didn’t eat any of her macaroni-n-cheese, so we had it boxed up for Reuben. No problem, right?. (enter dramatic music: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN)

I get home and I am still feeling full. Even though this is true, I still want something to eat. I want something sweet. So I go into the kitchen, open the fridge, grab some cantaloupe (not in season, so not delicious, but not bad), eat a couple pieces, and put it back because (remember) I’m full. I go into my room and start to read one of the books I bought at the outlet mall, The Amateur Gourmet. After about 30 minutes, I still want something to eat. I still want something sweet. I start to wonder if I am only craving sweet (when I am clearly satisfied) because I ate that bread. Or could it have been the mashed potatoes? I don’t know, but I know I wanted something sweet. So back into the kitchen I go, which should have been a busted mission. Why? Because I don’t keep sweets in the house. The sweetest things I have are cereal (Multigrain Cheerios and Life which I love to eat mixed together) and fruit, neither of which I want. So you know what I did? I grabbed that mac-n-cheese out of the fridge. As I’m grabbing it, I’m telling myself not to eat it because you have no idea how many points it is. It’s not even sweet! You’re NOT hungry!!! DON’T EAT THIS!!!!! I still put it in the microwave. It’s a kid’s portion, how many points could it be? I knew full well that kid’s portion was the size of a full adult portion. Like I said, I’m not in denial, just weak and rationalizing my weakness. I hoped it wasn’t good so I could just throw it away. It was delicious. When did Ruby Tuesdays get so damn good????? I can’t go back there. I ate the whole bowl of macaroni and cheese. Then I laid my fat, stuffed, regretful ass in the bed and read my book. I knew I would regret this decision in some fashion later in the week.

I got up this morning and weighed myself on the Wii. I know the damage hasn’t been done yet, so I needed to get on the scale to make sure I recognize the damage when it comes. I haven’t weighed in since Wednesday, and it says I’ve lost 1.3lbs. We’ll see if that stays off. After I did that I decided to come track my food. Oh my goodness gracious! Ok, remember, I had 4PP left for the day (not including wine and two biscuits). I also had 37 Weekly Allowance Points (WAP) left. Here’s the PP values of the shit I ate and didn’t track:

7.5oz of White Zinfandel = 5PP
2 pcs bread = 8PP
mac-n-cheese = 18PP

I used 60PP yesterday!!! 60!!!!! That’s the most points I’ve ever eaten in one day when actually on plan. So I ended up with 10WAP left for the rest of the week. And that’s what sucks. Yes, that’s what they’re for, I know that, I get that, but I hold on to them like I hold on to money. I like to ration them out over the week, you know, a few points here and there. I’m not used to using so many points at one time and on such a little bit of food. I could have had a dessert at the restaurant (split in half) instead of that mac-n-cheese and it would have fulfilled my sweet tooth and been worth the points. That mac-n-cheese, while yummy delicious, was not worth the points.

I’m not beating myself up over any of this. I don’t feel like I cheated and I don’t feel “bad” about my day. My issue is that I couldn’t not eat the macaroni and cheese. That’s my issue. The sad thing is, I’m glad it was just mac-n-cheese. Imagine what could have happened if I kept cookies and ice cream and cake and candy in the house. I would have kept eating and eating until I felt sick. Now that I would feel bad about. This I’m looking at as a learning experience: what do I need to do as I move forward the rest of the week? I need to stay within my points target each day. In order to make sure that happens, I need to plan ALL of my meals (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks) for the rest of the week. I need to make sure I get in plenty of activity the rest of this week.

My week is not shot. I have not failed. I only recognize opportunities for improvement. I will not allow this to derail me for the rest of the week. Because I WILL be getting another 5lb star in this meeting!!!!! And that’s all there is to it.

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